Top 10 Lists

Just like it says. Post Top 10 Lists. They can be movies, celebrities, songs, video games, or whatever else you can think of. We'll get the ball rolling with...

CineMassacre's Top 10 Worst Movie Clichés

10. The trip
Whenever someone's being chased, especially in horror films, they trip. It happens ALL THE TIME. Never does a trip cause a temporary loss of balance; It always results in a complete fall. And whenever someone falls, they never get back up right away. They crawl around like they just had their legs chopped off.

9. The car won't start!
Whenever there's a time-sensitive situation, a car will NEVER start. That's the law of movies: If you're in a hurry, you're not going anywhere.

8. The 360 shot
It's when the camera orbits around the action. "Ooh, let's be artsy. Let's spin the camera all around." This seems to be a more recent cliché that just lately has started to become commonplace. Let's kill it before it grows.

7. Secret talk
It's when two characters exchange information that they don't want another character to hear. They're always right within plain sight and earshot. A lot of times, they're on the phone and they cup their hand over it. There are some exceptions where this backfires on the characters, like in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Here, they don't realize that the computer, HAL, can read lips. In Die Hard 4, John McClane himself makes this kind of mistake.

6. The classroom bell
No teacher is aware of the time. They're in the middle of their lecture, and all of a sudden, the bell rings. Why are these teachers so unorganized? As soon as the bell rings, everybody goes running.

5. Parodying The Matrix
In 1999, The Matrix revolutionized cinematic techniques by creating Bullet Time, where the action slows down to show a traveling bullet while the camera rotates. This movie left a wake all through the 2000's, where everybody thought they were being funny by imitating it. There's nothing wrong with parody, but it overstayed its welcome and became a cliché itself. I don't think we ever need to see another movie parody The Matrix.

4. The false alarm
When it comes to horror movies, it's a tradition. They always have that moment when somebody's all alone in a dark alley or a dark room, and you're just waiting for something to happen. Just waiting... And then all of a sudden...! Oh, it's just a friend scaring the hell out of you. They never do it on purpose, but it's not like they're playing a prank. Is that how you greet somebody? By sneaking up on them and grabbing their shoulder? Is that the ONLY way you can get their attention? How about a simple "Hello"?

3. The comedic pause
This is something that happens in trailers all the time. Whenever there's a joke, the music pauses, like the jokes are so stupid, they need the music to accentuate them. A lot of times, it has a backwards cymbal or a record skip. EVERY COMEDY TRAILER has this cliché, and it usually happens over and over in the same trailer. Audiences are so trained to hear this, they don't know they're supposed to laugh unless you tell them.

2. Fading to black
This is another one specifically related to trailers. They can never transition to the next shot without dipping to black first. It seems like half the time, you're looking at a black screen. You ever walk into a theater when the trailers were playing? You're trying to find a seat but the room keeps going dark. You're walking, and then oops! Stop! Wait for the fade to black! Walk! Stop! Walk! Stop! Why do they fade to black SO MUCH? Next time you watch a trailer, any trailer, count how many times it fades to black. It's a cliché most people don't even think about, but I'm sick of it.

And now, for the Number 1 Worst Movie Cliché...

1. Stupid villains
This usually happens in action movies. The scenario goes like this: The bad guy points a gun at the good guy. He's got him right where he wants. He can kill him right now. But instead of pulling the trigger... He talks to him. The James Bond franchise almost makes it a tradition to use this cliché. What is he waiting for? You got him right there! Just shoot him! Ugh, what a dumbass. It's one thing to draw out the suspense. It's another thing to just be REALLY STUPID. You want my advice? If you're going to shoot somebody, then do it. Don't just stand there and say you're going to.

The Top 10 Bosses from Hell

Have you ever had a really bad day at work because your boss asked you stay late without pay, just so he could go off and party on his yacht with his twenty mistresses? Has he unjustly reprimanded you because of a mistake that was very clearly not your fault? Has he ever insulted you right to your face, knowing full well that you can’t do anything about it for fear of getting fired in these times of economic uncertainty? Why am I asking? The answer to all of these questions is obviously yes. You may think that no one could be worse than your boss, but the following ten examples prove that it could be worse. Here's an unpleasant set of supervisors who quite possibly have been spawned from the lowest pits of Hell.

10. The Boss [Clerks]
A terrible boss is the kind who dumps his duties onto his underlings, and the faceless owner of Quick Stop Groceries and RST Video has this duplicitous activity down to a science. If you happen to work at the block of stores, your life will no longer belong to you. Any plans you have outside the store are insignificant. When the boss calls you, he'll have your man-marbles in a mason jar. He’ll tell you to come in on your day off, and will trick you into accepting by assuring you that he'll relieve you after a few hours so you can go do what you need to do. Then he'll bolt to some far-gone location without telling anyone, and leave you to the wolves of consumerism. Fortunately, thanks to Randal Graves, justice is served when the store burns down.

9. Captain Murphy [SeaLab 2021]
You'd think that a government-funded trillion-dollar underwater research facility would at least be run by someone who displays signs of total competence. Well, not only does Captain Murphy lack the proper characteristics which his position so desperately requires, but there's sufficient evidence to prove that he may be legally insane. Captain Murphy has led the crew of SeaLab down many a dire path, many of which have resulted in SeaLab getting blown up on multiple occasions. In the two and a half years Murphy has been in command of SeaLab, he's led communist uprisings, become an accessory to murder to pay off his credit card debt, critically injured his science officer (among others) as a birthday prank, and even removed essential parts of SeaLab’s life support systems to enhance his feng shui. So be warned: if he’s your captain, request a transfer to SpaceLab.

8. Dr. Clayton Forrester and Pearl Forrester [Mystery Science Theater 3000]
It doesn’t seem like a bad gig on paper: work for a scientist by assisting him with his experiments. Agreeing means going into space and doing nothing more than watching movies. Well, if the scientist in question is Dr. Clayton Forrester, then you might want to read the fine print, because what he isn’t telling you is that you'll be a lab rat who will be marooned in space indefinitely, and those movies you’ll get to watch are some of the worst ones ever made. You'll forced by Dr. Forrester to watch these films so he can see which of them will drive you off the deep end. It’s bad enough with Dr. Forrester, but when his mother, Pearl, takes over the experiment, things take a turn for the worse. You see, Pearl is a bona fide sadist. Bad movies aside, she'll perform grotesque experiments on you just for sake of seeing you twitch. Then again, if you’ve worked at Blockbuster for more than a year, being forced to watch bad movies will be a cakewalk.

7. Sarge [Red vs. Blue]
There's nothing worse than being stationed at one of the most boring outposts in the galaxy and being caught in the middle of a battle that no one really knows why they’re fighting to begin with… All the while being bossed around by a tough-as-nails, guns-and-glory commanding officer like Sarge. Sarge is clearly overcompensating for something, but ironically, not the sort of things you expect a war monger like him would be compensating for. He demands the best weaponry and the best hardware, just to have them for when the time comes that every Blue comes to Blood Gulch to kill every Red in sight. Unfortunately, no one really cares about Blood Gulch, and the poor schmucks in the Red Base are stuck taking ridiculous orders from a militaristic numbskull who seems to have an inexplicable desire to kill Grif.

6. Les Grossman [Tropic Thunder]
Producing big movies with A-list stars is a cutthroat business, and Les Grossman has absolutely no problem getting some mileage out of his knife collection. Grossman is a egomaniacal demigod in the Hollywood establishment who has lost any trace of humanity that could potentially be found. He feels that constant abuse, both verbal and physical, is all you need to get results in the movie business. But his gruesome tactics don’t end there; his negotiating skills with terrorist leaders bear a strong resemblance to his handling of inept directors and over-eager talent agents. Specifically, assaulting the victim with a slew of obscenities that range from the bizarre to the confounding. Grossman can also be exceptionally ruthless when it comes to crisis situations. If an actor in one of his films is in mortal danger, Grossman will only act to save him or her based on their current box office draw. They say that if you want to succeed in Hollywood, you have to play the game. Well, all Les Grossman can do is play the game. And no one would dare challenge him.

5. Dr. Bob Kelso [Scrubs]
If this man ever smiles, you know that it doesn’t mean anything good is in store for you. Usually it means that you screwed up on your rounds, or he's about to tell you that he won’t spare the funds necessary for top of the line equipment. Then again, Kelso might just be smiling at your misfortunes in general. Dr. Kelso is the Chief of Staff at Sacred Heart Hospital, and though the hospital functions pretty well, it still doesn’t change the fact that he's a penny-pinching, livelihood-crushing sadist who thrives on the fear he breeds in his underlings. Don’t even try to ask him for a new MRI scanner when he isn’t in a good mood. Odds are he'll lay you out, and I’m not talking about in JD’s wacky imagination. I mean that literally. If you’re starting out at Sacred Heart as an intern, you better study up the night before, because Kelso will be quick to point out your shortcomings as a doctor, putting them on display for everyone to heckle.

4. Darth Vader [Star Wars]
If you ever need someone to enforce the whole “keeping religious jargon out of the office” principle, Vader is your man. No one likes having their beliefs be described as “sorceror’s ways.” It tends to show a lack of respect, especially if it’s the beliefs of the Dark Lord of the Sith. Know this: Piss Vader off, and he will choke you from across the room. Then again, you really can’t have much sympathy. Any moron who's willing to piss off a 6-foot-7 goliath like Vader deserves what's coming to them. Of course, threatening to kill him may be a bit excessive, but Vader's never been known for his restraint. When Vader walks into the office, he’d better not catch you playing paper football, or using his isolation chamber to stamp Vader helmets on menial droids to create battle bots. You see, his disciplinary measures are extremely strict. They are of the “Don’t screw up or I’ll f**king kill you” variety. Man, I’d hate to see what the Empire’s retirement package is like.

3. Charles Montgomery Burns [The Simpsons]
Of those who have the monopoly on the “Rich Evil Old Guy” set, there's no one who has more hotels on Park Place than C. Montgomery Burns. Burns is one of a dying breed. Ironically, a breed that has a hard time dying. He's a bitter old fart who runs a nuclear power plant with a sort of archaic mentality that tells him that the old principles of the upper class are still acceptable sorts of behavior. He cuts corners on nuclear safety measures, and devises moneymaking schemes which, seventy years ago, would have been deemed “patriotic.” People have made many attempts to set him straight, but this usually results in a drop down a trapdoor, or the hounds being released. As a boss, Mr. Burns is totally devoid of any savvy in the realm of employee/supervisor relations. He fails to realize that employee respect is not gained when you call them derogatory names which lower them to the level of ants.

2. Bill Lumbergh [Office Space]
If there were ever a boss that enjoyed his position a bit too much, it would be Bill Lumbergh, the Vice President of Initech. The six words that best describe him are as follows, and I quote: “All that is soulless and wrong.” And the scary part is that I'm not overexaggerating. He thrives on the power he has over his subordinates, the ability to get his employees to come in to work on their day off, and to do so simply because he can. Lumbergh gains power through his ability to keep his employees pounded into submission, gained through subtle intimidation and a seemingly deliberate knack for never listening to what they have to say. Beneath that calm demeanor and monotone voice is a true servant of the Devil who thrives in bringing little bits of Hell to Earth through the workplace.

And if you thought they were bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. It's...

Number One!

1. John Milton [The Devil’s Advocate]
Who better to cap off our list of bosses from Hell than a boss who actually IS from Hell? John Milton is the head of a powerful law firm. If you show considerable aptitude as an attorney, he'll seduce you with the promise of money, fame, and power. He'll appeal to base desires: a stable income, a penthouse in the city, and the ability to make the kinds of decisions that can ruin peoples' lives. Milton knows that the best way to lure people into service is to appeal to the most dangerous sin of all: Vanity. Once you succumb to that, you'll realize far too late that you're practically in the pocket of the Devil himself. Milton knows and understands how to manipulate the dark side of human nature, and will use his skills to achieve his own monstrous goals.

CineMassacre's Top 30 Favorite Films, Part 1
(Taken nearly word for word from the actual video.)

WARNING: May contain spoilers.

30. Jurassic Park
This is a perfect example of what happens when you fuck with nature. Scientists come up with a way to bring dinosaurs back to life and build an entire theme park around it. And then all hell breaks loose. It's like a prehistoric Frankenstein. Afterward, I had to read every Michael Crichton novel I could get my hands on. It's a great story with great characters. Sam Neill's stubborn attitude mixed with Jeff Goldblum's playful and joking personality is a good combo. However, it was the dinosaurs that stole the show. The special effects were jaw-dropping. These were dinosaurs like we've never seen them before; they were quick, they were mean, and they ripped people apart. Parents brought their kids to see this, and didn't even know what was coming. When I watch this movie today, it brings me back to my youth and reminds me of a time when dinosaurs were awesome.

29. 7 Faces of Dr. Lao
I'm gonna have a hard time explaining this one. It's about a quiet western town that's visited by a strange foreigner named Dr. Lao, who brings with him a circus. This is no ordinary circus. It's full of magical fantasy characters such as a giant serpent, the Abominable Snowman, Medusa, Merlin the Magician, a fortune teller, and the goofiest of all, Pan. Tony Randall does a fantastic job playing all these characters. It brings to mind actors like Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy, who are known for playing multiple roles, but I think 7 Faces of Dr. Lao might be the greatest and most diverse collection of characters I've ever seen portrayed by one actor. This movie can be enjoyed for its individual scenes. There's one where the fortune teller, Apollonius, is telling a woman her future, but he's honest and brutal. He brings her to tears and at the same time, it pains him because he's cursed to tell the truth. It's hilariously morbid. The whole film is a mixture of different emotions, but the feeling it leaves you with is a positive outlook, that the world is full of magic and wonder.

28. Scarface
This is one instance where I choose the remake over the classic version. To me, Al Pacino IS Tony Montana. Nobody can swear like he does. Under its facade of funny quotes and insane violence, it has a great story. Tony's a Cuban immigrant who tries to start a new life in America, but ends up turning to a life of crime. He climbs his way to the top of the gangster totem pole, and once he has the whole world in his hands, it all starts to fall apart around him. What's so great about it is how attached you become to this character. Even though he kills people and does bad things, he has his limits. There's a pivotal scene where he refuses to kill a reporter by blowing up his car when his wife and kids get in with him. There's enough movies out there about the good guy. This is one for the bad guy.

27. Night of the Living Dead
I consider this to be the last of the classic black and white horror films. It was just a little independent film that went a long way and ushered in a whole genre of modern horror flicks. Every horror movie today owes something to it, especially the zombie genre, but its historical significance doesn't overshadow how suspenseful and exciting it is as a movie. Even though it's cheap-looking and some of the acting is really bad, it has a haunting, nightmarish quality that just builds up until the climax. Right from the opening scene, the zombies attack. No explanation needed. It just happens. A bunch of strangers barricade themselves in a farmhouse while the undead try to break in. They treat it like a natural disaster, with everybody fighting to stay alive. The only problem is that they can't learn to work together.

26. Jason and the Argonauts
It's the classic adventure flick; it captures your imagination and puts you into a fantasy world where the gods of Olympus treat mortals like a pawns in a chess game. The real showstopper is the stop motion animation by Ray Harryhausen. I had a hard time choosing between this, Clash of the Titans, and the Sinbad trilogy, but I think this is his best work. It's all about the man-on-monster deathmatches, like the battle with the Hydra. You can only imagine how long it took him to animate each individual head. Then of course, there's Talos the statue. When that thing starts moving, goddamn, is it scary. And the best scene of all is the battle with the skeletons. It is so frigging cool. I never get tired of watching this.

25. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
I haven't read the novel. Not yet, at least. But the film very much impressed me. Jack Nicholson plays a criminal who's serving a sentence in prison. He pretends to be mentally ill so he can transferred to a mental institution because he thinks that would be better than prison. That is, until he finds out that he's going to be stuck there indefinitely, and then he wants out. He develops a friendship with the other patients, and inspires a rebellion against the cold-hearted Nurse Ratched. I think this is Jack Nicholson's best role, and one of the greatest screen performances of all time. Not just him, but the whole cast is excellent. I feel like I really sympathize with these people. A mandatory film. Check it out.

24. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
The real ingenuity of the Indiana Jones films is that they're built around clichés of old adventure films, but they come off as being so fresh. It's definitely a tossup between Raiders of the Lost Ark and Last Crusade, but my favorite's Last Crusade. The quest for the Holy Grail has been written about for ages, and it's probably been the most sought-after object in human history. There's something satisfying about seeing Indy finally find it, even though it is just a movie. What I like best is the father-and-son relationship; Sean Connery is great as Indy's Dad, and it's so appropriate because James Bond is one of the main heroes that inspired Indiana Jones. There's a perfect blend of humor and outstanding action scenes. One of the best of its kind.

23. Batman
Gotta include this. Seeing it as a kid, I didn't fully appreciate it. It's a movie that I feel has gotten better with age, and has truly surpassed the test of time. It was the first movie to show us the darker side of Batman. Going from the 1940s film serials to the 1960s TV series and then to this was the biggest change Batman's gone through in the movies. It set the dark tone, the standard for which newer Batman movies would follow. Michael Keaton's great. As Bruce Wayne, he's sly and unassuming. When he's Batman, he's badass. Jack Nicholson as the Joker? One of the greatest screen villains. He's maniacal, funny, and totally unpredictable. It's definitely more heavy on atmosphere and visuals than on story, but that's Tim Burton for you. The music by Danny Elfman is what ties it all together. It sets the mood; the dark, ass-kicking vibe, and gives me chills every time I hear it.

22. The Great Escape
Inspired by real life events, it tells the story of World War II prisoners trying to escape from a Nazi prison camp. Their plan is to dig tunnels from inside the prison and dispose of the dirt outside the camp. The movie works so well because you really want to see these guys get out, and it's not easy for them at all. The cast is excellent: Donald Pleasence, Charles Bronson, among many others. But the guy who steals the show is Steve McQueen. It's no wonder why everyone loves him so much. He's funny, and you root for him the whole time. The motorcycle chase is often considered to be one of the all-time greatest action scenes. It's not just because of the stuntwork and the whole spectacle of it, but because you're so emotionally invested in seeing him escape. It's a very long movie, but when you get some extra time on your hands, give it a watch.

21. North by Northwest
It's the ultimate reluctant hero story, about an innocent man who's being chased all over the US by both the police who think he's a terrorist, and actual terrorists who think he's a government agent. Hellbent on finding the real agent, he goes on a quest as the plot unravels and gets even more complicated. He finds out the agent never existed, a decoy fabricated by the FBI. But now that he's assumed the role, he's enlisted to actually become the fake agent he was originally trying to prove he was not. Try not to think about it too hard, or your head might explode. Cary Grant is phenomenal in the role. Speaking rapidly and making smart comebacks to everything, you'd believe that a guy with his personality could get himself into this kind of mess. It's both a hilarious comedy and suspenseful thriller. One of Alfred Hitchcock's best. But remember: I said "one of".

10 movies down. 20 to go. Stay tuned for Part 2. ;)