Jokes! [insert here]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from a Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend 5.0...

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such asRomance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried runningNagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate!!!



DEAR DESPERATE!!!,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, whileHusband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML,try to downloadTears 6.2, and do not forget to install theGuilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
Run the applications Jewelry 2.0and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note Beer 6.1is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0!!!

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly... You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

If you are at all concerned about radiation fallout from Japan's Fukushima reactor, here's a readily available, innovative and inexpensive radiation tester you can use anywhere in your home.

1. Open a bag of Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn.

2. Leave it on a table and if it starts popping, you're screwed.

A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3 months. All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced to sleep wherever he could find meager shelter.

One day he came upon an old farm house. In answer to his knock, an old Chinese gentleman asked "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I have been lost in the wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?"

The old man agreed under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter. "I will cause you no trouble," the man said.

"That's very good," said the old man, "because if I catch you with my granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese tortures."

The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck by her beauty. Since he had been alone for so long and she had not been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off of each other during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific time together. They were careful to be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather. Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and thought:

"That marvelous experience was worth enduring a thousand tortures." He then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in three months.

Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then realized that there was a 100 pound rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On Chest."

This is some lame torture thought the man as he carried it over to the window and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the bottom of the rock: "2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To Rock." Knowing that it was too late to catch the rock, the man hurled himself out of the window after it. Passing through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge: "3rd Chinese Torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost."

The following joke is a riddle and likely to offend so I will just pose the question and give the answer to any who are interested via PM or IM. Anyway: What gets louder as it gets smaller?

Back in the day, a broadcast called 'War of the Worlds' caused a panic. It was a play about martians invading the earth. At one rural house, the family drew all the curtains and locked the doors. Then something drove up with bright lights and a creature walked to the door.
The matron of the house whipped out a gun and shot the creature, then opened the perforated door for herself and her kin to see.
The youngest looked between the crowd and shouted "But that's our cousin!"
The family nodded sagely until the matron cried "Oh god, we're aliens!"